PAIN, AGE, LIFE
That is some heavy title, but it is with a lighter heart I can talk about it today. I had a glimpse of what my body might feel like in 20 years, and I did not like it! We all age and we all face the constant wearing down of body parts and of new failures of our bodies. But it increases incrementally in some time periods, and that is what seems to have happened to me in the last month. Now that I am out of pain I can look back on it and remember some feelings I had about the aging process.
No one who knows me would believe that I am 20 years old. But I am 20 years old in my head a big part of the time although I try not to act as impulsively and as foolishly as I did then, but again, sometimes I do. The confusion when I look in the mirror and see an old lady lasts only for a second but it is always there. So when my body also abandons me and cannot perform as well or as long as it used to, it is a like a double slap in the face. My head NOW is slowly registering that yes, I am fallible, mortal, and getting constantly weaker. Someone told me that you are not an adult until your mother dies. Maybe that is what has given me the edgy feeling of disappointment in my body since my return to Italy in August.
I really have not minded that much getting older. Retirement has meant freedom for me. But now all of a sudden, the age of retirement also means there are episodes of pain and being bedridden that I am not used to. It means I am not as “in control” as I have always been used to. Yes, I have known about this phenomenon, have read about it and recently had many conversations with my mother about it while she was in the nursing home. I remember her saying she would rather be in pain than feel so weak. I myself have not made those decisions, but I see how they can be coming.
And so I gray. The Beatles wrote “When I’m 64” when I was 16, and that sure seemed like a long way off, then, but now, well, pushing 60 is not that far from 64! I have told younger people that I liked being older from my late 40’s on, since that took me closer to retirement to take advantage of all those deductions I had had taken out of from my pay checks for all those years. It is true that Social Security will really kick in for me in a few short years and I will benefit from years of paying into the pot. I thought my dad, who will be 90, had been the last generation to get his share out of the SS fund. Actually, he got a bit more than his share-he has been getting his checks for 35 years, since he was 55 and had to retire from the now defunct steel company that he worked for.
Meanwhile, the relief of being out of pain is something I try to remember when I have a second to think about it.
No one who knows me would believe that I am 20 years old. But I am 20 years old in my head a big part of the time although I try not to act as impulsively and as foolishly as I did then, but again, sometimes I do. The confusion when I look in the mirror and see an old lady lasts only for a second but it is always there. So when my body also abandons me and cannot perform as well or as long as it used to, it is a like a double slap in the face. My head NOW is slowly registering that yes, I am fallible, mortal, and getting constantly weaker. Someone told me that you are not an adult until your mother dies. Maybe that is what has given me the edgy feeling of disappointment in my body since my return to Italy in August.
I really have not minded that much getting older. Retirement has meant freedom for me. But now all of a sudden, the age of retirement also means there are episodes of pain and being bedridden that I am not used to. It means I am not as “in control” as I have always been used to. Yes, I have known about this phenomenon, have read about it and recently had many conversations with my mother about it while she was in the nursing home. I remember her saying she would rather be in pain than feel so weak. I myself have not made those decisions, but I see how they can be coming.
And so I gray. The Beatles wrote “When I’m 64” when I was 16, and that sure seemed like a long way off, then, but now, well, pushing 60 is not that far from 64! I have told younger people that I liked being older from my late 40’s on, since that took me closer to retirement to take advantage of all those deductions I had had taken out of from my pay checks for all those years. It is true that Social Security will really kick in for me in a few short years and I will benefit from years of paying into the pot. I thought my dad, who will be 90, had been the last generation to get his share out of the SS fund. Actually, he got a bit more than his share-he has been getting his checks for 35 years, since he was 55 and had to retire from the now defunct steel company that he worked for.
Meanwhile, the relief of being out of pain is something I try to remember when I have a second to think about it.
posted by Sicilian Mama at 9:21 AM
4 Comments:
Glad you're feeling better!
Our Dear Francine.... Your sudden departure has left us saddend, shocked and weeping. If only you could write to us and tell us what I think you would say... that life in your new dimension is amazingly beautiful, peaceful and glorious beyond measure... that of all the festivals and grand cities of Europe you had visited, this new place to which you have traveled makes all the earthly spots you visited pale by comparison.... that you still wear your warm, endearing smile, but its essence is not only seen on a face, but felt in the souls of all the beautiful souls surrounding you.
Francine, even though you have left us physically, I still feel your presence, I still hear your laugh, see your smile and sense your even greater wisdom now gained from the greatest of life's experiences, the greatest journey of all, into the next realm. Leave it to you to take that trip before the rest of us. If only you could write and tell us about it.
We all love you and will miss you dearly, my dear classmate.
I met Fran through her blog less than a year ago--another American blogging about Sicily! We corresponded, met, and now I am shocked and saddened to hear about her sudden and untimely death. She was so full of energy, life, and love! How does that disappear in an instant? Fran, you are sorely missed and my sympathy and prayers go out to Steve and your family.
FRANCINE, IT IS BEYOND ME HOW SUCH A VIBRANT PERSON CAN LEAVE US SO QUICKLY. JUST LIKE STANLEY. IT IS A GOOD THING THAT YOUR MOM DID NOT HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE LOSS OF ANOTHER CHILD. I AM SURE YOU ARE ALL TOGETHER NOW. TELL AUNT PHYL THAT I MISS HER DEARLY AND THINK OF HER NEARLY EVERY DAY, STILL.
LOVE,
COUSIN TOOTSIE
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